“Why aren’t you writing?” I haven’t been here much and there is much to tell. That question was asked of me three times in one day. I am not sure I have an answer that makes sense. I guess I really don’t know. Suffice it to say, it has been a difficult year for me. I don’t say that to whine or get sympathy. I say it so that you understand that I have been working diligently to process a downhill slide in a shit storm. I have been exhausted and beaten and unable to process out loud. I think I am ready to begin the exploration of my heart more closely. Feel free to peek.
In AA, our topic today was based on Bill’s story. Bill talks of the need for faith 24 hours a day. Seriously? That seems like bullpoop to me. I cannot imagine the discipline it would take to say you are plugged into God all the time. I have heard there are no atheists in foxholes, do you think there are man of faith sitting on the toilet? I don’t buy it. I was in church last evening. I sat and listened to the pastor talk about our need to do this and that. He spoke of a list of should do’s and repented about his shortcomings. After he said what I needed to do for the 20th time, I left.
I pondered what I was being whispered. Could I be missing something? I don’t believe in coincidences, so why was I being reintroduced to the need for faith? I went back to the foundation. What is Faith? Can you really have more faith or is it all or nothing kinda of thing? I am told that faith the size of a mustard seed is all I need. What about 1/2 a mustard seed? Will God like me more if I have 3 seeds? If faith is that small, is it possible to have it 24 hours a day?
It occurred to me that I have been defining Faith as following a religion, rather than a relationship with God. What is seems to me is that both sources were mistaken about faith. Faith is not something that has to be worn around like a Miss America banner or that should be accompanied by a list of ‘have to’s’ or ‘need to’s’. “Religion is for people afraid of going to Hell, Faith is for those of us that have been there.” Anne Lamott. Faith is the realization that you have been saved from yourself, and you didn’t do it. Faith is leaning into God, it is nothing more than a shift of weight. When your heart aches. When you don’t think you can take another step. When the storm moves in and all you can do is huddle into yourself. When you scream out at night. Faith is when you scream out to someone and know there is someone there.